I have always been the “closure” girl and it’s taken me all of my life to heal my need for closure in every instance. God laid on my heart that I needed to share this message today and if it helps even just one person have more peace in their life, it’s well worth it.
I was adopted right from the hospital in Iran as a baby. Mom died shortly after giving birth. My sister and I came to the US (South Jersey) as babies.
Childhood was filled with lots of challenges as I never felt included or accepted. Isolation was a real issue. It wouldn’t be until later in life would I discover in therapy that I suffered from severe abandonment issues. Prior to that, self sabotage was my best friend. See, people who suffer with abandonment tend to run because they believe they must leave before they get left. They believe everyone is going to ultimately walk away or hurt them, so their outlook on life is different than most. People are viewed as guilty until proven innocent, trust is not easily given, walls are put up all over the place, and in my case, anger was a constant emotion.
Over the years, many have left my life. (It’s likely the reason why loyalty is one of my top values and why I have always maintained long term relationships with men.) It may take me a while to let the walls down, but when I do, I am ALL in. Friends have walked away and family has also and as this happened over the years, I grew more and more obsessive about closure. Constantly needing the answers to “why?” Abandonment impacts every single decision you ever make in life if you don’t learn to heal it.
Much of that changed in my thirties as I began investing lots in coaching and self help. I will be 43 in a few weeks and while I have come a long way, there are still times when I am triggered and when I am, it’s time to revisit that inner child and love her just a little more.
This past weekend I was triggered again. I reached out to the only cousin I have close in age to wish her Happy Easter. We shared so many great times growing up, I went up to NJ for her wedding 11 years ago. I reached out to her also 5 years ago and both times, nothing. My mother’s side of the family hates my sister and I and I will never really know why. Yes it hurts at times still, and my God it’s been so hard to go through life without a mom who I felt loved me and whom I have no relationship with, but the why no longer matters to me. I thought much about writing my cousin a long letter in an effort to figure out why, but I resisted the urge and prayed instead. And so here I am….
I believe my life was given to me to learn the lessons around abandonment, to share them openly and shepherd adopted and abandoned children through them. I remember my coach telling me years ago that sometimes we aren’t meant to know the answers why and in that moment I felt free. Susan Somerset Webb has also had a huge impact on my ability to recover and gain control over my emotions. Emotional freedom is within your reach if you are willing to do the tough work of looking inward. My primary goal now as a mom is to not pass this fear onto my children.
So I say this to you today. Find peace in knowing that everything that falls in our path is divinely there to teach us a lesson and often the lesson reveals yet another layer that needs love and healing and that’s ok. Don’t obsess over the why because in most instances, people are going through life with their own issues projecting them onto you and you must chose not to own their way being as a reflection of your worth. Only YOU can define you, only YOU can validate you and only YOU can love you the way a mother would love you. These were all very painful lessons I have had to learn and so I hope this small bit of my story somehow helps you on your journey.
Have a blessed day.